funny jokes

Accident Joke A man goes to the doctor and says, �Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.� The doctor asks, �What do you mean?� The man says, �When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.� The doctor says, �I know what�s wrong with you - you�ve broken your finger!� Scotish Joke A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink. "Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink." The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman. "Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone." Traffic Joke A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine. Officer: You were speeding. Man: No, I wasn't. Officer: Yes...

Boat Joke Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances. One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the bo...

Irish Joke An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf." Train Joke Two blondes are on a train, sitting in a cabin next to an older gentleman who happens to have a long beard. One of the blond girls whispers to the other 'Wow, look, it's Charles Darwin!!' 'Are yo...

Australian Joke You may be further amused to learn that in 1953 Australia created Ministry of Mirth as part of their government structure. Their role was to find humour in the changes brought about by government and present that information to the public in an amusing and acceptable way. We have managed to find an old photo of the Ministry of Mirth at work. Don't they look happy? Beauty Joke In an American history discussion group, Professor Langer was trying to explain how society's ideal of beauty changes with time. 'For example, he said, 'take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five-feet, one-inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?' The class fell silent for a moment. Then Freddie piped up, 'Not very well.' 'Why is that?' asked Professor Langer. 'For one thing,' Freddie added, 'She'd be way too old.' Girlfriend Joke A guy decides to bri...

Husband Joke While a misogynist was paying his last respects to his wife, someone asked him: 'Who has gone to rest? He replied: 'Me, now that I'm alone.' Barber Joke A barber, an absent minded professor and a bald man go on a long journey together and have to camp out overnight so they decide to take it in turns to watch the luggage. The barber volunteers for the first watch while the other two sleep but soon gets bored so he decides to pass the time by shaving the professor's head. When his shift is up he wakes the professor who pats his head and exclaims, 'God, that barber is a real idiot, he's woken up baldy instead of me.' American Joke Mary Pembarthy, a guide at Windsor Castle, told Will and Guy this allegedly true story about what she heard last month when 'on duty'. Mary was struggling to make herself heard over the roar of low flying aircraft coming into land at nearby London Heathrow Airport, one of the busiest in the world. She was int...

Library Joke A blonde goes into a library and cheerfully says, "Hi! I'm here to see the doctor!" In a stern, but hushed voice, the librarian says, "Miss, this is a library." So the blonde lowers her voice and says, "Oh sorry!" Then whispers, "I'm here to see the doctor." Farm Joke An intellectual caught sight of a deep well on his country-estate, and asked if the water was any good. The farmhands assured him that it was good, and that his own parents used to drink from that well. The intellectual expressed his amazement: 'How long were their necks, if they could drink from something so deep!' Friend Joke An intellectual came to check in on a friend who was seriously ill. When the man's wife said that he had "departed", the intellectual replied: 'When he arrives back, will you tell him that I stopped by? Dowry Joke A glutton betrothed his daughter to another glutton. Asked what he was giving her as a dowry, he...

Shop Joke One day a blonde walked into a cookie shop to see a small tray full of cookies. The sign said 'free sample' so she took one. The next day the blond was sick and could barely move. She swore revenge upon the cookie shop. She marched back to the cookie shop and burst into the cookie shop and slammed her foot. "Your cookies made me sick!" she screamed, pointing to the 'free sample' tray. "Oh, what are we going to do about that?" said the store clerk, as he bit his lip. "I want my money back!" screamed the blonde. Manager Joke There are 3 men and they all want a job at Sainsburys so the 1st man comes in and says to the manager. 1st Man: Can i have a job please. Manager:Yes go and do something dangerous so he does something dangerous comes back. 1st Man: Ive done it. Manager:How many letters in the alphabet. 1st Man:26 Same for 2nd Man. But on 3rd man. Manager:How many letters in the alphabet. 3rd man:24. Manager:why you say that. ...